Well we ARE talking about the squirting of fluid.

Ejection Fraction - sounds like something they explained to the boys during those Extra Special Health Ed Classes back in 8th grade.

But no! Girls have Ejection Fractions too!

So, I have some heart problems, and no, no one can really tell me why. No clogged arteries or congenital heart defects. Guess I drew a winning ticket in the "Sucks To Be You Lottery!" And so young, well... I always was an early starter. Boobs in 4th grade, period at age 11, gray hairs at 20, what did I expect, really?

(Sometimes my posts may contain a little more personal body info than you wanted to know, but what the hell, you can tell me all about how old you were the first time you had to walk to the chalkboard with a social studies book hugged to your crotch. I won't judge.)

According to the Cleveland Clinic, "Ejection fraction is usually expressed as a percentage. A normal heart pumps a little more than half the heart’s blood volume with each beat. Left ventricular ejection fraction (LVEF) is the measurement of how much blood is being pumped out of the left ventricle of the heart (the main pumping chamber) with each contraction. A normal LVEF ranges from 50-70%. "

When I was initially admitted to the hospital in February, they performed an echocardiogram and it was documented my EF was 15-20%. To which I said, "So we're looking at 15% away from DEAD, that's what you mean." But of course, I didn't really say that. I focused on being entirely pleasant and low-maintenance while I was in the hospital. Since then, I've learned to talk up and ask questions. My cardiologist tries to pretend he doesn't see the little notebook and pen in my hand, but he FAILS.

So an EF of 15% is pretty effing awful. I mean, that's lower than any grade I ever got in Chemistry, and I guarantee you those numbers were l-o-w. The next echo was in May, at the 3 month mark. And I was up to 20-25%! Um... whoo! Hey, any increase, right? But I could do better.

And then from mid-May to mid-July I pretty much turned into a blob of self-pity and stopped exercising and starting eating fast food again. I blame the heat. And losing half my paycheck. That's how we self-medicate in my family.

Then on July 17, I was blubbering about dying young and how Sara Rue was losing too much weight and wouldn't be able to play me in the movie, and Mike kinda said, "Alright already, go walk on the treadmill. Let's do this!" And we had a Joe Swanson Story moment and ever since then, all 4 weeks of since-then, I've walked on the treadmill. 6 days a week. And I'm up to 45 minutes a day, at 2.5 mph and an incline of 2.0-3.0. And when I told the docs this on my visit Monday, the assistant cardiologist said, "That's better than most regular Americans!" I wonder if she's lived in Texas?

So, kudos to me on getting off my ass and watching SYTYCD while strolling in the comfort of my air-conditioned living room. (Ack, 6 more weeks until the Fall season starts... hooray for streaming Netflix!)

The appointment I had at the Heart Failure Clinic on Monday was at the 6 month mark. Time for another echo. Luckily, in the past 4 weeks, I was able to lose the weight I gained from my 2 month pity party. Best not to dwell on how much I could have lost if I'd just stayed on the healthy train. What's done is done.

The thing about having an echo done is, it's basically an ultrasound. And since your heart is under your left boob, you're hanging out topless with a stranger for like 20 minutes in a variety of positions while he rubs cold jelly on a wand and then shoves it against your poor chest and belly. Oh, they try to drape you, but come on, there's definitely some "tid bit nipply" going on.

(And how awkward is it for Mike to sit in the room while some dude is pawing at my boobs with Astroglide? And taking pictures! Grainy, black-and-white, subterranean-dwelling creature pictures, true. But still. If he was getting some testicle screen shots taken, how would I feel? Hmm... I'd probably tweet the experience. Never mind.)

On Tuesday, we found out that my test on Monday indicated an EF of 30-35%. In six months I doubled my EF! Right On! Unfortunately, the numbers are still too low and they want me to get a consult with the physio guys about implanting an ICD/Pacemaker. Well, hell. I mean, I'm all for preventing SCD, but still. Surgery. Yuck. And this will totally disrupt my exercise routine. (Ha! Can't believe I just wrote that sentence, and meant it sincerely.)

Tune in next time when I go into detail about having my horn removed. Oh yes, you read that right. I was a horned beast! Until 1:30pm this past Monday. Man, I was naked with strangers a lot on Monday...